I am a Fat Kid

Ok, so I'm not really a kid. I turned the big 3-0 in July. But, I very much act like a kid at heart so it works for me. The fat part? Well that is spot on. I'm fat. Hell, my Nintendo Wii told me I was obese. Asshole Wii. It's always been the most smug videogame system. "We don't need flashy graphics, we're Nintendo, just play with our cool Wiimote". Nintendo 1, Matt 0. No matter how crude my Wii wants to be, it has a point, I am obese.

The problem with it is I haven't really cared much about it. Do I like being fat? Nope. But I don't remember being happy about being skinny either. It's never mattered much. I am so confident in myself and I have a personality that no body size can contain anyhow. I have dieted a few times, but not necessarily because of my size. I've done it just to make sure I am healthier and to keep from putting too many toxins in my system. But like most people, after awhile I just kind of slip away from the diet.

My weight fluctuates, alot. I'll have 20 lbs swings in one year. That does kind of scare me. I know it's not good for your body to have that kind of stress on it. Pick up a 20 lb bag of dog food, it's no joke. I'm not one of those people who blames it all on genetics, but I wasn't blessed in that department. My mom was adopted and I met her biological parents and they weren't small people. My mothers weight jumped up and down her whole life too. My father has had so many belt sizes in his life, it is hard to keep track. My dad is not fat by any means. He actually does a damn good job in watching what he eats and he works out too. But if he ate garbage and didn't work out, he has the frame to pack it on.

I have a large frame. My shoulders are wide. Wider then any of my other friends. Many friends and family tell me I am built like a football player. Yeah, a football player that hasn't seen a gym in 8 years. Speaking of 8 years ago, that's when I kind of gave up. I used to play rec basketball multiple times a week. Very hard nosed competitive ball. I was still kind of puffy then, but no where close to where I am now. But my basketball partner/roommate/best friend committed suicide in 2003. When he died, so did my love for the game. I just stopped playing. I was really good at it too. But that's another story for another time.

So if I'm ok with being a fat kid, what is the point of this blog? Well, I was far from skinny when Jill and I got together, but I have grown quite I bit since then. I feel bad for her that she's with the Incredible Bulk. Plus, she put on weight over the years that she's spent with me and I know it's bothered her. Some friends and family are nice enough to point it out to her too. Jill wants to do better and she has goals set to get back to a certain size. She's doing very well too. She's actually under her pre-pregnancy weight right now!

I also don't want to embarrass Lucy. Kids are mean. I don't want her teased because her dad is a fatty fat fatterson. It's not her fault I am the way I am. Plus child obesity is a huge problem today and I don't want to be a hypocrite and manage her weight while letting mine do the roller coaster routine. I just want to be a good dad and husband to my family. I don't want to be a little guy at all, nor do I want to be a muscle dude like my brothers. I just need to find that middle ground. I need to do this for my girls, and for me. I just have to figure out how, and when. Plus it has to be on my terms. Who knows when I'll start, or if I start even. All I know is that I want to be the best version of Matt I can be.

Work and love

Lucille Joy Mabey has now been home for 18 days. I've been off work for 6 of them. That means I have been at work two thirds of the time my baby girl has been home. I am, in my own little way, growing a bit jealous that my wife gets to watch Lucy's evolution so closely while I'm stuck at work. Everyday it seems my little "pumpkin seed" is awake a little longer, smiles a little more, and her personality gets a little deeper. And I miss out. Now I'm not upset that Jill gets to experience it over me, I'm just jealous that I'm not there to share in it all. But I want to provide for my sweet girl, so off to work I go, yet I leave my heart at home.

The longest day Part 3

When I walked into recovery my heart was pounding. I didn't know what to expect. I've heard horror stories about C-sections and how difficult they can be. But I also knew that I, along with Brian, Keven, and Sarah, were all C-section babies and our mother survived each one. I peeked around the curtain and asked if I could come in. Jill was in bed, eyes closed. She had a nurse with her and the anaesthesiologist. I said "hello" to Jill and she opened her eyes and said "hi" to me. She was shaking quite violently and I was nervous. The nurse told me it was normal, but I was worried. I sat by while they both worked on her, making sure she was stapled (ew) right and that she wasn't feeling too ill. By this point Jill was so tired from this long day that she struggled to keep her eyes open. I sat by her and did my best to just show some support for her. It's almost a blur to me now, and I'm sure it's all a blur to her, so I don't remember if we talked much. I did run back out after a few minutes to tell everyone that she was doing ok. When I came back in they brought Lucille in too.

It was now time for Jill to try breast feeding. Jill was half awake, torn in two, but she sure did a damn good job of feeding our baby. Lucy, being the stubborn one she was, didn't take right away. The had to do some tricks with shields and formula, and I'll spare the details of the process. In any event, they got Lucy fed. Ken wanted to see Jill so I left for a bit so they could visit. Recovery only likes one person in at a time, and he deserved some time with his daughter.

After awhile they took Jill into our room. They set up her bed and brought in different monitors to check her vitals. We were both so tired we kept falling asleep in between visits from nurses. Jill's oxygen was low and the needed to hook her up to an oxygen machine. Problem was the one in this room was broken. They did wheel in a portable device to watch her oxygen levels, but anytime it had a low reading it would beep. Sure enough, anytime Jill fell asleep the machine would beep because her breathing would slow down and it would wake us both. Between 5am and 8am when they brought Lucille to us, we may have slept for 30 minutes total. Very rough night indeed.

But when they brought Lucy to us, we both got our 2nd winds (maybe it was our 5th wind by now). The nurse was bathing Lucy in the sink and she taught me what to do. Again, I couldn't believe how "rough" they were with Lucy. I know that they are professionals, but it's my baby and you need to treat her like she's made of glass damn it! Anyhow, the nurse got our clean baby into her first shirt ever, and she barfed all over it. The nurse laughed, passed her off to daddy and said you get to put on the next shirt. She also told us that because of Jill's oxygen levels we needed to pack up again and move into our new room down the hall. I very carefully changed our little girl. Jill and I took turns holding her. We smiled, we cried, we laughed, and we both realized this is just the start of our story....

The longest day Part 2

Jill seemed almost relieved at the thought of a C-section after all she'd been through. She had been feeling her labor pains for quite some time, we went to the hospital right before Christmas thinking it was time. She gave the Doctor the ok and I broke down crying. I felt like this was my fault somehow. Here was my beautiful wife broken and beat from the long day and now she was being rushed off to be sawed in half, or at least that's the way it felt to me. I grabbed her hand and said "I'm sorry". I walked into the hallway and called Keven. He kept saying things to keep me positive and was pointing out all the good. But all I could think about was Jill and that she was going to go have major surgery. I was scared. Keven told me he was coming back to the hospital. I jumped off the phone and hugged Pennie. I heard Jill ask someone in the room where I had run off to. I went back in the room and I told her I just couldn't go in the operating room. I would just pass out and be a bigger problem. She was very understanding and Kathy jumped in and took my place.

Keven was there in a matter of minutes. Right as he was walking in we were wheeling Jill down the hall. He walked with us right up to the operating room. I gave Kathy a hug goodbye. She reassured me that everything would be fine. Jill and I told each other "I love you", and then she was gone. I felt so helpless, but then again Keven put a positive spin on it all. We met back up with Ken and Pennie and starting moving all of our stuff from the labor room we had just spent 20 hours in, into our new recovery room. It only took a few minutes and we had everything transferred down the hall. We sat down and I jokingly asked if I was suppose to check on the baby first or my wife. What would a good husband/dad do? And before we decided where I was suppose to go a nurse came in the room and said "I need the Dad and a camera".

Walking down the hall was so weird. They only took Jill away a few minutes ago, but I knew I was finally going to see my baby girl. What would she look like? How big was she? Is Jill ok? My mind was racing. The nurse took me to the nursery and told me to wait here. She said it might take a while and to be patient. I was so nervous. Another nurse made small talk about being a first time father. Finally they brought in this blood covered, cone headed, swollen, little girl. They put her on a scale to weigh her. They stretched her legs to measure her. I remember thinking, "stop being so rough with my girl". Then I saw the scale. 9 lbs 3 oz. Wow, no wonder Jill couldn't get her to come naturally. She's a little tank! Then they said she was 20 1/2 inches. I couldn't believe she was such a big girl. She wasn't fat either. She did have huge cheeks, but she didn't have fat arms, legs, or belly. She was just big.

I can't describe the way I was feeling. I was so happy to see her. I was in love. The connection was instant. It was amazing. The nurse came back and told me that they had to "jump start" her and that she wasn't breathing at first. They told me they had to keep her for a while to monitor her as C-Section babies who were unresponsive can fade away fast after they get going. I was so nervous, but I knew in my heart that she was going to be fine. I stood over her, gazing at my new girl when I noticed Keven, Pennie, and Ken standing behind the glass door snapping pictures. The nurse asked if I'd like to hold Lucille. She told me that I'd probably ruin my white shirt, but I didn't care. I picked up my baby and it was so wonderful. The nurses opened the door to the nursery and the family came in. By this time Kathy was in the room and everyone was taking photos. The nurses joked that they looked like paparazzi. I was so tired, relieved, and happy. I look like I'm drunk in all the photos. The nurse came back and ran some more tests on Lucy's oxygen and blood, and told me she was going to be just fine. I was so happy, but then my mind went back to Jill and how she must be doing. I asked the nurse if I could go to my wife and she lead the way.

The longest day Part 1

January 3rd was the date. After advisement from Jillian's Doctor due to some potential health concerns, we scheduled to have Jill induced at 7:30am. We arrived at the hospital a few minutes late and I joked "Wow, we're late for our own baby's birth". I was very wrong on that statement. Doctor Larsen broke Jill's water and we, along with some family, waited. And waited. And we waited. Hey look, it's 5pm, it has got to be soon, right? We waited some more. Jill held out as long as she could, but then chose to have an epidural. I stayed in the room and held her hand while they did it. I hate needles. It was like torture for me, so I knew it had to be terrible for Jill. But she was awesome. She handled it like a pro. I learned a lot about the kind of person she is that day. Such a strong woman. Epidural is now done, Jill is an 8, and 90% effaced. It's time, right?

Nope. Not even close. We were all getting so tired. Jill and I didn't sleep the night before. We were so excited about the idea of having a baby that we couldn't sleep. It was like waiting for Christmas, or going to Disneyland for the first time. "We're too excited to sleep!", if you remember that cute Disney commercial... Anyways, the day just kept going on. It felt like it was never going to happen. Jill turned to me and joked, "Lucy will be an only child". Jill's Dad and Step-Mom, Mother, and my Brother Keven, all waited together. It was nice to have everyone there for the support. It made things so much better. Late that night, my Aunt Charlotte, her husband Jeff, son Parker, and my Aunt Ruth came down. Charlotte and her family traveled from Bear Lake, Idaho. By 11pm the baby had to have come right, I mean her water broke at 7:30am and with all the medicine we would surely have our girl here in 15 hours? Negative.

I don't remember the time, I was running on fumes and Lorna Doone cookies, but it was after midnight and I came out and told Charlotte that she better head back to Idaho. She had work in the morning and a three hour drive a head of her. I also sent Keven home. He had taken a personal day from work and spent all day and night with us. I told them all to home and get some sleep and that they would be notified when things changed. Then we waited some more. Then around 3am, the nurse came and checked Jill again. She said that even after all the oxytocin (medicine to help induce the labor), the water being broken, and 19 hours of labor, that Jill's body was still not ready for baby. She said she was going to call the Doctor. About 15 minutes later the Doctor, bed hair and all, came into check on Jill. He had her push a few times to see if they baby could break through. After a few pushes he had my exhausted wife stop. He told her that she gave it the "good old fashion college try" (whatever that means) and that it was time for a C-section....

Lucille Joy Mabey

My sweet baby girl finally decided to join us on January 4th 2011

Brian, Keven, Sarah, Zach, and Katie

Those are my siblings. Brian, Keven, and Sarah are the spawn of my mother and father. Zach and Katie are my stepbrother and stepsister. I love all of them dearly. I haven't seen Zach or Katie in a very long time. Because of my deteriorating relationship with my father and stepmother, those two have chosen to stop talking to me. It breaks my heart, but I understand their reasoning. No matter the reason for the family dysfunction, that is their mother and I am just the stepbrother. I can't say I blame them. I just wish they knew that I love them like they were my blood too. Maybe one day?

As for Brian, Keven, and Sarah, well those kids are in my life, and outside of Jill (and Lucy), they are my heart. Brian and I are only two years apart in age, so naturally we were more like enemies then buddies growing up. Actually when he was first born, I was so in love with him. I thought having a baby brother was so neat. But a few years later he got really good at finding ways to get me in trouble, so then I'd pummel him. It was a viscous cycle. As we grew up, we got better at getting along and as adults we've become best friends. He serves in the Navy now and has become a very great man. I look up to him in many ways and I am very proud of him. Even though he doesn't have children, he dated a lady who had a son. Brian was the BEST damn example on being a father. Seeing him with that child only made my desire to be a father grow. It was funny seeing the family rebel turn into Mr. Navy and into a stand up father. You are a great man Brian!

Keven was my mothers sensitive little man. Thing is he grew up to be a very tall, strong, keep the emotions on the inside man. But that's not saying he still isn't sensitive, he just doesn't share with many people. Keven has been dealt such a bad hand in life, but he keeps fighting and pushing forward. He is the hardest working of the bunch, and even though it drives him nuts when I say it, he acts like our father in many ways. He is also the "pretty" one out of the Mabey boys. He doesn't buy clothes, he buys "outfits". Keven and I have grown very close in the past 10 years and I love him dearly. I hope that one day the drama that seems to follow him will let him be and he will be liberated from the emotional damage. Keven, you are a great person. I wish I had half of the know-how and motivation to succeed as you do. The way you carry on day to day to be the best is an inspiration to me.

Sarah, my dear sister. Mom was so happy that she finally got her girl. She was born on April Fool's day and the doctor told my mom, "Congratulations, you have a boy". She wasn't pleased with the joke. I moved out of my dad's home in 1998 and sis, was only 10. I missed so much time with her when she was growing up, and it makes me sad. I did get to live with her during her last year of high school, but she kind of followed in Brian's shoes and was a handful. I did my best to try to be a good big brother and to be sort of a father figure to her. Not sure if I helped at all, but I tried. Since then, Sarah has moved to Park City and lives the life of a ski bum, and I mean that in the best way possible. She gets paid to work at the ski resort and then gets to ski on her free time. Sounds like a sweet deal to me! She's pretty darn good at it too! I am really proud of my sister and the young woman she's become. She looks just like mom and many of her mannerisms are the same. Keep doing what makes you happy in life sis, you have to enjoy the journey. Just know that I love you very much and I'll always be around for you.

The reason I wrote this is because all of you have been on my mind. I just want you to know that we are family and my love for you is never ending. I will always be around no matter what, for all of you. I will never back down when life gets hard. I will never leave your side and you can always count on me. You will always have your big brother here for you. You are MY FAMILY. Us against the world!

Due Date

So this is it. This is my last night being just Matt the husband. Tomorrow morning Jill and I check into the hospital and I'll soon become Matt the dad! I can't believe I am just hours away from my life changing forever. It's a very weird feeling after 30 years to know that life will be so much more than what it is now. Every single choice I make from here on out will be different because of the different ramifications. No longer can I just run off with my wife to Vegas for the weekend. I can't randomly spend money and stupid new tech toys. Am I sad I can't do that anymore? Not really. I've wanted to be a dad for so long, that giving up those things are more than worth it. But it will be different. I've lived a selfish adult life, and now it's time to be selfless.