I'm 31 years old. When in the hell did this happen? I still feel like I act and do the same dumb ass things as I did when I was 21. But somehow I am now closer to 40 than 20. Thinking about that has me really freaking out...
My mother died when she was 38. My Grandma Lucille was in her 50's. My father's mom died in her 30's when my dad was just a child. My buddy Grant died at 23, albeit by his own hand. All of these people left way too early and I can't help but think, every night as I try to fall asleep, that my time is right around the corner. Every single night as I try to sleep I can't help but think that I am one day closer to my death.
But what is a 31 year old man suppose to be anyways? I have a decent paying job, that I do not enjoy. That seems pretty common, right? I have been married for almost 7 years and I have a wonderful baby girl. That seems about right. But is it normal for a 31 year old man to play Xbox or to stay up late on the internet listening to music and writing blogs that only a handful of people notice? Is it normal to wear football jerseys, baseball caps, screen printed tee's, and khaki shorts? I just feel like maybe I look and act much younger than I am. Plus, most of my friends are almost 10 years my junior...
I'm not trying to hold onto my youth, but I just don't feel like I know how to let go. I'm not sure I need to let go either. I guess that's my problem, I just don't know what I am suppose to be.
I know I want to be the best husband to Jill. She's a great lady and she deserves the best. I know that I want to be the best daddy to Lucy. I just don't know how I am suppose to do that. Sometimes I want to quit my job and find work that would actually allow me to be off when Jill is. I'm sure it would pay less, but what is more important; more money for my family and spending more time away from them, or less money and more time spent together? I struggle with this all the time. I am the man and I am suppose to "bring home the bacon" so I feel like I just have to go to work and bring home the money. However, my heart tells me to leave my job, give up many of my luxuries, and spend more time at home with my loved ones.
But above all of these worries, the thing that bothers me the most is not having my dad around. My sweet daughter is almost 10 months old and he has yet to hold her. I wish I understood how to control this pain because I am afraid this above all, will lead me to that early grave I dream about nightly...
1 comment:
Dearest Matthew,
Take a deep breath, no really, do it. I'm not going to say what I have to say until you do. Breath in through the nose... hold it hold it.... ok out through the mouth. There. You just released muscle tension that had built up in the muscles between your ribs. Feel better?
You have a family history of early death, but that doesn't mean that you are automatically predisposition to die early yourself. Eat right, don't drink too much or smoke (which you already don't), plop Lucy in her stroller and go for a walk every night after dinner with your daughter and hold your wife's hand.
If you are really that worried about it, schedule a physical with your general doctor. (there are no needles in checkups!) Tell him what you are worried about health/stress/life wise and get your blood pressure checked. (Or remind me to bring my cuff home and I will check it in October)
As for what is normal for a 31 year old man, well, define normal. Is it what our parents did, no, but only because they didn't have Xbox or Internet. I know my dad is 52 and still wears his cutoff short shorts in the yard with his Utes t-shirts and blasts Fleetwood Mac. You are responsible for yourself and your own actions, you can handle problems as they come to you (or figure them out if you don't know what to do), you take care of a car a house and a family. You wear baseball caps and khakis cause that is what there is to wear these days. I've seen my professors wearing stuff like that outside of class before, there's no need to wear a button-down at home. DOES WHAT YOU WEAR EVEN MATTER?
I know people here who are older than you and DESPERATELY clinging to their youth; they are obnoxious. I know people younger than me who brushed off their youth already; also irritating. I personally think you are a nice mix of maturity and responsibility, while still knowing how to play and have spontaneous fun.
Also remember that 31 isn't old. 40 isn't even old anymore. I know of about 8,000 people who can't freaking wait to be 28-35 years old.
As for your job, I am a supporter of doing what makes you happy. If there is something you would enjoy doing more than what you do now, that would still allow you support your family, I would say go for it.
i wish I could give you advice about your dad, but all I have to say in that situation is that he (and your wicked step-mother) need to grow the fuck up.
If they cannot respect you enough to be adults in this situation, it is not something you can control, and it is especially not something that is going to change if you worry hard enough about it. From what I have heard, you have tried your best to regain the relationship with your father and start one between he and his granddaughter. If he is unwilling to meet you in the middle or even acknowledge the issue, then there is nothing you can do except understand that is not, nor was it ever your fault.
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