There is a song written by one of my favorite artists of all time, Martin Sexton. The song is called "The Way I Am". It's a beautiful song and one that has stuck with me for many years. I often find myself singing it randomly. The lyrics are a haunting reminder of how I feel about myself.
I really don't like the way I am. I have a constant desire to have everyone like me. I try to be the funny guy. I try to put on smile on everyones faces. But I need to remember that some people aren't going to like me. I can't blame them either, I'm not really all that neat. But unfortunately I do take it personal when people don't like me.
There is so much I wish I could change about me. I wish I didn't have the urge to try to fix everyones problems. I wish I didn't always dwell on the negative. I wish I would bite my tongue more often. I wish I were different. I wish I could change the way I am...
I wish I didn't care that my family has stopped talking to me. I don't think they understand how much it hurts me. They continue on with their lives like nothing has happened. They didn't skip a beat when they stopped talking to Brian. They didn't skip a beat when they stopped talking to Keven. Why would I be different? I thought I was.
I miss my father so bad. It hurts so bad I can't put it into words. I don't even know how it got to this point? But he refuses to answer my calls or texts. He's never even met his grandchild. That kills me more than the fact he ignores me and my brothers. My daughter has never done anything to not have her grandfather in her life.
This above all is why I hate the way I am. I hate that I care so much. I hate that I cry at night because I don't have a relationship with my dad. I hate that I have to put it in a blog so I don't explode. I hate that I can't just leave it alone. I hate that he won't be my dad. But most of all, I just don't like the way I am...
2 comments:
Oh, Matt! My heart hurts for you. I'm so sad for what you are going through. When a family is created, we never think of something happening that would break the ties that holds us together. I'm so sorry you don't have the Dad that you and your brother's need, and the Grandpa that Lucy deserves to have. YOU are not the problem. Your caring heart is what makes you the person that everyone wants to be friends with. Your sensitivity and compassion show what a cuddly bear you really are! I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the happiness to you that you are so badly craving (and deserving)! You have gone through a lot of heartache; losing your best friend, your Mother's death, and now the rejection of your Dad. Don't hate yourself for caring. Don't hate yourself for allowing the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and rejection to affect the way you look at life. I can't help but think that the experiences you have gone through (and are going through) are making you an even stronger, caring, more determined, dedicated and loving person.
You are a wonderful daddy to Lucy, and a great husband to Jill; and your co-workers and friends and family are all BLESSED to have you in their lives!
Listen to Marti. She is a smart woman!
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