I'll be ok...

My brother Keven insisted I come play some golf with him. He had just bought some new clubs. So after I finished working and hanging with Lucy and Jill, I went down to Mulligan's to hit some balls. We played for a few hours and right as we were leaving he called me over to his car. He wanted to talk to me about my last blog. He was concerned. He also said a bunch of family or friends (he wouldn't give up names) were worried about me.

I'm sad. I have been for a long time. Sometimes people medicate with alcohol, sometimes people seek out therapy. I deal with my issues through writing, music, and blowing Nazi heads off in video games. As I had no desire to play Xbox, I put my hurt down in words and even associated it with a song.

I am fine, I really am. Nothing dramatic. No cries for help. I'm just sad, confused and hurt. I put it on "paper" to try to set my mind free for the night. Unfortunately it's a problem that doesn't have a solution, or at least one I want. I don't know how to get over it, but I do appreciate all the concern (even if you were anonymous). Keven is a good man and an even better brother.

Well, today I leave for Virginia. I am very excited to see Brian, even if it isn't for as long as planned. I'm excited to be away from work for as long as I am. But I am not looking forward to being away from Lucy and Jill. I even shed a few tears this morning while playing with Lucy. She's such a good baby. She is so happy and smiles all the time. I'm just kind of worried that after four days away (I know that isn't too long, but...) that she'll not recognize me and we'll have to learn how to re bond. I'm sure I am overreacting, but it is a legitimate concern.

Well, I have to finish packing my carry on items and get ready for my flight. Depending on internet connections and time, I may blog about my experience alone in DC. As for now know that I really am ok, except for the part about leaving my baby behind...

I don't like the way I am...

There is a song written by one of my favorite artists of all time, Martin Sexton. The song is called "The Way I Am". It's a beautiful song and one that has stuck with me for many years. I often find myself singing it randomly. The lyrics are a haunting reminder of how I feel about myself.

I really don't like the way I am. I have a constant desire to have everyone like me. I try to be the funny guy. I try to put on smile on everyones faces. But I need to remember that some people aren't going to like me. I can't blame them either, I'm not really all that neat. But unfortunately I do take it personal when people don't like me.

There is so much I wish I could change about me. I wish I didn't have the urge to try to fix everyones problems. I wish I didn't always dwell on the negative. I wish I would bite my tongue more often. I wish I were different. I wish I could change the way I am...

I wish I didn't care that my family has stopped talking to me. I don't think they understand how much it hurts me. They continue on with their lives like nothing has happened. They didn't skip a beat when they stopped talking to Brian. They didn't skip a beat when they stopped talking to Keven. Why would I be different? I thought I was.

I miss my father so bad. It hurts so bad I can't put it into words. I don't even know how it got to this point? But he refuses to answer my calls or texts. He's never even met his grandchild. That kills me more than the fact he ignores me and my brothers. My daughter has never done anything to not have her grandfather in her life.

This above all is why I hate the way I am. I hate that I care so much. I hate that I cry at night because I don't have a relationship with my dad. I hate that I have to put it in a blog so I don't explode. I hate that I can't just leave it alone. I hate that he won't be my dad. But most of all, I just don't like the way I am...

Change of plans

I'm suppose to leave Salt Lake for Virginia Beach, through Baltimore, on Sunday. I made plans to spend the week with my brother Brian and to take part of his re-enlistment in the Navy. Unfortunately for Brian and I, the Navy has made other plans. Due to some unforeseen maintenance on his ship, the dates my brother was scheduled to be out to sea has change to the week I'll be out there. Instead of us seeing each other Mon to Thurs, we'll be lucky if we see each other Wed night, until I leave for Baltimore on Thursday morning.

What is really crummy about the whole situation is the fact that I am going alone. Jill and Lucy are staying home while I spent time with Brian. Now I'll be 3,000 miles away from my family and he'll be out to sea. I feel like a bad husband and father leaving them behind, but the chance to take part of Brian's re-enlistment was worth it. Hopefully we'll be able to do his re-enlistment Wed night, but it still feels crappy leaving behind Jill and Lucy for an evening with Brian.

I'm in no way shape or form upset with Brian either. This is out of his hands. I'm not upset with the Navy either, I understand the circumstances. It's just going to be hard being away from my baby girl so long and not having my brother around either. I'll just have to make the best out of the situation. DC is just a short drive from Baltimore and so many cities like Pittsburgh, Manhattan, Philadelphia, and Atlantic City are all about 1 to 4 hours away. Maybe I'll drive around and see some baseball? Either way, this is not the vacation I had in mind...

Golf

I've never been a golfing kind of guy. I remember going to the driving range a few times with my Dad when I was younger, but I never got into it. I was obsessed with basketball and focused all my time on that game. If you don't count mini-golf, before this year I probably haven't hit a golf ball in 20 years. But this year I was forced to go play in a charity tournament for my work. I went with my boss and I ended up having a great time. Never mind that my first three balls went into a water hazard and by the 2nd hole I had somehow stepped into a swampy area and destroyed my shoes and socks... No matter the shoe damage I ended up enjoying golfing.

However, golf on TV is booorrriiinnnnggg..... If I want a good nap during the springtime or summer, I just flip on some golf. It puts me right to sleep. The things they do are very impressive, but so the ability to turn soy beans into tofurkey. It's impressive, but not interesting.

But since I had a great time at the tourney, I decided to go out to the driving range to practice a little. My buddy Geoff has some clubs so we went to play. Never mind his clubs are the Target junior special, we used them and did pretty great. It was so much fun. Just like on the golf course with my work, people could tell that I used to play baseball due to my ugly hack of a swing. Not pretty. No matter though, we went to have fun.

Since we've gone multiple times now this season I decided to buy my own clubs. I bought a cheap-o set of clubs (Ram Lasers) so I can stop worrying about destroying Geoff's. I'm not used to these clubs however and my already present slice is much, much worse. We played on the top deck of the driving range and I almost hit some people below us on more than one occasion. It was a fun night though as my buddy Brian Armstrong, my brother Keven, and his family (Tiff, Tayvia, and Eslee) joined me out on the range.

I'm definitely not good at this game, but that's not going to stop me from going out and playing this summer. I need a new hobby that doesn't require my Xbox. Plus I hope to get a little better so I can go out and play with my father-in-law and brother-in-law. They are both golfers and I need to up my game quite a bit before I embarrass myself in front of those guys. But if I continue to stink it up I may resort to said Xbox and a copy of Tiger Woods golf. It's gotta be easier to fix the slice on there, right?

Top 5 Reason why I want Jimmer Fredette to be an NBA Star

There is nobody more polarizing in basketball right now then Jimmer Fredette. You have people all over the world debating his worth in the NBA. In college Jimmer was the National Player of the Year. Many feel he'll be exposed at the next level. You have people like Kevin Durant and Barack Obama singing his praise, but you have many others comparing him to other great white hypes that fizzled (Morrison and Redick). The debate is huge in Utah based first on the Utah/BYU rivalry and secondly because the Jazz have two top picks and may use one on Jimmer. In any event here are my top 5 reasons why I want to see Jimmer kick some butt in the NBA.

5 - If you know anything about Mormon folklore you know that Mormon church ball is a rugged game. It basically allows well rounded young men the chance to act barbaric and become unleashed in God's house. They even made a movie about it starring my good friend Stan Ellsworth and Gary Coleman. But you know what's harder than church ball? Refining your skills playing basketball against prisoners in New York. That's just one place Jimmer learned to ball. Jimmer and his brother used to play pick up games at Mount McGregor Correctional in Saratoga, NY. He attributes this to helping him play through "rough situations".

4 - The last Mormon who did anything worth noting in the NBA was Shawn Bradley. Shawn stands 7'6'' and weighs as much as a toy poodle. If you bought an NBA poster from say 1993-2005, that big white guy getting dunked on was most likely Shawn. I'd like to see a white Mormon due something in the NBA other then getting smashed on.

3 - I am a Utah homer. I love the Jazz, the Salt Lake Bees, the Utes, and then to a smaller extent the Grizzles hockey team, and the BYU Cougars. I never cheer for BYU to beat Utah, but when they are playing anyone else, I want them to do well. It looks good for our small, over looked state. But when I was a child, my Poppa - who by the way is my hero - was a BYU guy. He took me to all the football games starring Ty Detmer at QB. So deep down, somewhere I still have a small amount of affection for the Cougars.

2 - Because Jimmer has a terrible rap song written about him. There is a song out there that is performed by some white rappers and the hook repeats "teach me how to Jimmer" over and over. It's obnoxious and just plain bad. When I was 16 I used to make terrible raps songs with my buddy (who really is a rapper and a damn good one) and I used to make silly basketball puns too. Their song and mine are pretty similar in flow. However I was 16 and didn't aspire to be a rapper and these fellas are, well not 16. The video is priceless however. Enjoy

1 - And my top reason for wanting Jimmer to excel at the next level? Because he gives all slow white guys with excellent range and zero defensive ability a chance to shine. We love him as one of our own. Obviously I am nowhere as good as Jimmer, but our game is similar. When I go to the rec center I have three options on offense. 1 - I can pass and set up my teammate. 2 - I can cross you over with an ugly cross over that shouldn't work. Or 3 - The most likely option. I'll just shoot a 30 foot 3-pointer and drop it! Then on defense you'll make me look terrible. Jimmer gets exposed because, well, defense just isn't his game. My excuse is because I'm old and fat. Either way, I gotta root for the kid!

I hope to see Jimmer Fredette make noise in the NBA. He's worked hard and he deserves it. But most of all, I want him to make it just so I can hear people continue to argue over his ability and I hope for a new rap video from Provo, Utah!