To Eleanor

Eleanor,

Despite your mothers best efforts and yours, you did not show up before your set c-section date. No matter how severe or frequent your mothers contractions were, you just sat in place. By "sat in place" I do mean you punched her kidneys and ninja kicked her bladder, but all attempts to "hatch" were nil. So here we sit, just hours away from your birth. I have to be honest little one, I'm terrified.

I'm scared for the surgery that takes place for you to join us. I'm scared that maybe you won't be born completely healthy. I'm scared that the hospital no longer offers fathers endless supplies of Lorna Doone cookies (ok not really). But most of all I'm scared that I won't be a good father.

It won't be for a lack of trying, all I want to do on my time on this planet is to make it better for my kids than it was for me. That is in no way a knock on my upbringing, it's just a goal I think every parent should have. But right now I'm so unsure of myself as father to TWO kids.

I adore Lucille. The kid has me wrapped around her finger. I feel like it's unfair that she got 2.5 years of alone time with me and that you'll have to share my attention. I'm also worried because my heart feels like it's going to explode because of how much I love Lucy, how am I suppose to love another one as much and not die?!?! I know it will be ok, my friends that have multiple kids have all told me that it works out, I'm just voicing my anxiety.

Then of course I worry about bringing home enough "bacon". I worry that I will drown in diapers, bottles, binkies, and estrogen. I worry that I'm just not that good at being a Dad. I guess you could just say I worry about everything.

I just want everything to work out perfectly. I want the operation to be go smoothly. I want you to be healthy. I want you and I to have the same connection that Lucy and I do. I want our family to be perfect and I know it will once you arrive. But for the next few hours, I'm going to panic.

Love, Dad