To Eleanor

Eleanor,

Despite your mothers best efforts and yours, you did not show up before your set c-section date. No matter how severe or frequent your mothers contractions were, you just sat in place. By "sat in place" I do mean you punched her kidneys and ninja kicked her bladder, but all attempts to "hatch" were nil. So here we sit, just hours away from your birth. I have to be honest little one, I'm terrified.

I'm scared for the surgery that takes place for you to join us. I'm scared that maybe you won't be born completely healthy. I'm scared that the hospital no longer offers fathers endless supplies of Lorna Doone cookies (ok not really). But most of all I'm scared that I won't be a good father.

It won't be for a lack of trying, all I want to do on my time on this planet is to make it better for my kids than it was for me. That is in no way a knock on my upbringing, it's just a goal I think every parent should have. But right now I'm so unsure of myself as father to TWO kids.

I adore Lucille. The kid has me wrapped around her finger. I feel like it's unfair that she got 2.5 years of alone time with me and that you'll have to share my attention. I'm also worried because my heart feels like it's going to explode because of how much I love Lucy, how am I suppose to love another one as much and not die?!?! I know it will be ok, my friends that have multiple kids have all told me that it works out, I'm just voicing my anxiety.

Then of course I worry about bringing home enough "bacon". I worry that I will drown in diapers, bottles, binkies, and estrogen. I worry that I'm just not that good at being a Dad. I guess you could just say I worry about everything.

I just want everything to work out perfectly. I want the operation to be go smoothly. I want you to be healthy. I want you and I to have the same connection that Lucy and I do. I want our family to be perfect and I know it will once you arrive. But for the next few hours, I'm going to panic.

Love, Dad

Uncertain tomorrow

What a crazy roller coaster this life is. Just when you feel like everything in life is perfect, something comes up and dashes away those feelings. After 10 years of dedicated service at her work, my wife was let go. No real solid explanation, the HR guy brought in to do the deed even confessed his confusion as to why. I have my thoughts on what really happened, but it's not my battle or the proper forum so I'll leave it. But what kid of company lets go of a person who's given them 10 years of service and is 8 months pregnant? That's what kills me. She's due at anytime and they cut her free and took away her benefits. She did nothing immorally, nothing that deserves that kind of punishment. It was a "sorry, but we don't think this is working out" kind of deal and they sent her packing.

What a vile thing to do to someone. At my work there is a process that must be followed to let someone go and this place skipped about 5 steps. Such a poorly run company and I think that other peoples agendas took over. Maybe it's time to lawyer up?

In any event, here we sit a few weeks or even days away from the birth of our second child and we have lost a massive amount of our income. I've never been so scared or unsure in my life. My wife is a smart gal and will find something, that I'm sure. But the reality is that nobody is going to hire an 8 month pregnant woman who is then going to be taking maternity leave. It looks like 3 months without that income.

We will survive. It's what we do. We have a great cast of supporting family and friends. All these people, along with my awesome wife, is what's keeping the smile on my face, despite the uncertainty in my stomach.