The choice

I'm sure most people look back at certain events in their life and wonder if they had handled situations differently that they might have altered the outcome of their life. I can't help but sit back and wonder if my actions have caused my family more hurt than good. I wonder if I had made different choices that perhaps life would have been better? I can trace back everything I wish I could change back to one starting point. The night I left Bear Lake.

My Mother fought many demons in her life. She had medical issues that caused her constant pain. This lead to an addiction to pills. She medicated to take away her pain. She also started to drink heavily too. Mixing drugs and alcohol in a person that was already struggling with depression is a recipe for destruction. My Mother was destroying her life, along with lives of her four children that were watching it happen. She'd stay up late with her "friends" and do what she knew would dull her pain. I'm not mad at her now, but I was then. I was 15 and I resented her for giving into these evil indulgences. I'd have to wake the kids to get them off to school because she was unable to get out of bed. Often I'd ditch school, partly because I was the new kid in town and had no friends, and also because she didn't even notice. I wanted to be caught, but it didn't happen.

After a month or so of watching my Mother give up on herself, I too gave up on her. I decided I couldn't live like this anymore. I called my Aunt Charlotte and begged her to take me back to Salt Lake City to my Fathers. My Aunt Charlotte is my Mothers sister, and as much as she loves her, she knew that us kids were in a bad situation and that my Mom needed some help. She agreed to take me to my Fathers. I ran away. Charlotte took me to Salt Lake, and I never lived with my Mom again.

I felt so bad leaving my younger siblings behind. I am the oldest and I was taking care of them. Who would now? It was such a hard choice. When I arrived to my Fathers, my Aunt explained the situation to him. He took me in. I could write a very long blog on the details of how I stayed there and all the fights with courts, police, and obviously my parents, but I won't. What I will say is that my Dad spent every penny he had ever made to WIN custody of all his kids from my Mother. He won largely due to the testimony of myself and my Aunt. He almost didn't win, however. The Judge was very old school and he didn't care how bad the conditions were at home, he thought children should be raised by a Mom. I very much remember telling him off when he told me that and I was "excused" from his office.

So if the situation was so bad at my Mothers, why would I trace back all the bad in my life to that moment and want to change my choice? Everything that has caused me the most pain in my life has some connection with leaving my Mom to live with my Dad. First and foremost is that my Mother died less then five years later. She passed away at 38 years old. She died living in that same house in Idaho, by herself. My Aunt lived a few towns away from her and was with her all the time. My Mom had some friends along with some boyfriends too, but she was still alone. Her kids were her life and we left her. She even came to terms with us leaving and she understood that she wasn't taking care of us how she needed to. But she still felt alone. She'd call me often crying that she missed me. She wrote me letters often and she'd draw cartoons for me. She'd drive to Salt Lake every other week and stay in a crummy motel, just to visit. Every time she had to leave she'd cry. My Mother died of organ failure after falling into a coma. She went to the hospital because she had a headache. I'm still convinced that my Mom died of a broken heart from being without her kids.

The next tragedy that was caused or related to me leaving my Mothers had to due with meeting a new friend. When I moved in with my Dad, he bought a place in Lehi. Again I was the new kid in school so I was sent to the library with another new kid during some test we weren't ready for. His name was Grant. We started talking about basketball and our friendship begun. We even joined Jr. Jazz together. Grant very quickly became my best friend and a trusted ear during my transition between parents. Grant had some serious parent issues too and we just bonded. He started staying at my Dads house often. When we moved back to West Valley after the school year, Grant spent every weekend and most of the summer with me. When I graduated High School, we moved in together. We were always together. Always together until 2003. Grant, like my mother, struggled with depression. He had started drinking a bit too. I took him to Disneyland in the Spring of '03. He had never been on a plane before. We had a great time, so many laughs and memories. The very next day we were home, he took his own life. He got up early, cleaned his room, and took off to a shooting range. I still haven't recovered from this...

One more aspect of my life that I ruined by leaving my Mother is my Fathers life. He took on his 4 kids unexpectedly. He spent all his money to get us. He soon married Wendy and adopted her kids too. Wendy and my Dad love each other very much, but for some reason Wendy and us kids have had a hard time being on the same page. I used to fight with her when I lived with them. However, I only lived with them for less than two years before I moved out. I thought we had a great relationship after that, but I guess I was wrong. She's had problems with both of my brothers and sister over the years and I always tried to get both sides together. It finally seemed like it was happening and we all spent a Christmas together, I think it was '09, for the first time in years. Then Keven said something about Wendy to her son and she decided she was done trying to work things out with Keven. I tried to get in the middle again and I made things worse. Then for my Birthday, Jill invited Keven to my party that was at Wendy's home. Jill asked Wendy if it was ok, and she thought Wendy said yes. When she heard Keven was coming she packed up her kids and left. So here I am at my party, without my Step-Mom and Step-siblings. Afterwards, Wendy sent a fairly nasty email to Jill about Keven being invited into her home. Jill didn't mean to cause an issue and the way Wendy was talking to my wife made me see red. I wrote Wendy back a nasty email of my own. Since then we haven't been on good terms. When I didn't go over on Mothers day the next year she decided she was done with me, just like Keven. She wrote me a very nasty email making all sorts of accusations about my character. I haven't seen her, or her kids since. They to stopped talking to me too. Because of all this, I haven't really seen or talked to my Dad much. He hasn't even met my daughter, who is now 3 months. His relationship with his wife because of us kids has been shaky, and has come close to ending too.

So the way I see it, true or not, I feel like leaving my Mom has caused her death, the death of Grant, a ruined relationship with my Dad, and a spoiled marriage between him and his wife. I carry this weight on my shoulders everyday and wonder if I should have stayed back in Idaho. Perhaps I could have helped my Mother more? Maybe Grant would have meet other friends and skipped this choice he made? Maybe my Dad and I would still be friends? Maybe Wendy wouldn't hate us kids and her and my Father would be living a very happy life together? Who knows how different life would be? But these were my choices and I have to continue living with the results.