My house is quiet. Not the normal 2am quiet though. My wife and girls are all spending the night at my in-laws and I, for the first time in a long time, have the house to myself without an alarm to wake me up in the morning. Who knows how long I'll sleep? I need to pick up a few hours, but I'm betting it won't happen. I actually have a harder time sleeping without my wife and children around. They are my comfort.
When they are not around, I'm not enjoying the "peace and quiet", or whatnot. I actually miss them and think about them almost the whole time. Part of this I know happens because of my issues with mortality. For those who don't know, age, numbers, time, and such, scares me greatly. I fear time. When my girls aren't around I feel like I've lost time with them. They'll never be as young as they are in this exact moment. I also dwell on how I'm once breath closer to death, how we all are. These thoughts race through my mind even when I'm busy and my kids are around me, but they come at me in a full court press when things are quiet or when I'm trying to sleep at night. These thoughts are the biggest reason why I struggle to sleep.
My Mom died at 38. I'm 33. I know I'm not her and that everyone has a different story, but I always think about how young she was when she died and how I'm almost at that age. Because of this I have a hard time really enjoying things that should normally be fun if they are time consuming. For example, I like video games. A lot. However, I almost always have guilt right after playing them by thinking about how that was (insert time played here) and I'll never have that part of my life back. Even when I play from 11pm to midnight and I wouldn't be doing anything else anyways, I immediately think about how that's one hour of my life gone, and for what? I do that with reading, watching TV, driving places, and so on. I know, I'm broken.
I can't shake these thoughts though. I feel like life is too short as is, but I feel like maybe mine will be shorter than average. Not being cryptic or anything, it's just the way my mind works. But because of this, it's the reason why I try to take on more parenting responsibilities. By nature, I am a nurturer. I have the need to take care of people. I'm sure this comes from being the oldest and having to always watch over my younger siblings. But because of my fear of time and natural parenting instincts, I want to be around my kids as much as possible. I've set my work schedule so that I work weekends and nights while Jill works the Mon-Fri 9-5 gig. Sure it steals time away from seeing Jill, but it allows us to raise our kids and not a daycare.
It's not easy. Eleanor and I are still trying to get on the same page. She still doesn't trust me like she does her Mom. She likes me enough, but I'm not who she wants. She wants her Mom. It's made for some really tough days recently. It broke me down to the point I cried. I felt like maybe my baby and I won't connect. I know that it's rubbish. It took Lucy some time to be my buddy too, and we made it. I just thought it'd be easier the second time around. It's not.
For half a minute though I thought about maybe going back to my 9-5 style job. Maybe I'm not cut out to be home with the kids all the time. Jill makes it look so easy, even though I know it's hard on her too. But just as those thoughts crept in my mind, my fear of time hit me like a ton of bricks. Before I know it Ellie will be grown. She'll never be this small again. Suck it up big boy. Love your babies. Be there for them. Who knows how much time is left? I know that the time that we do have moves way too fast.
So on this Thanksgiving morning I can say, without fear, that I am truly thankful for the time I have spent with my family, and for all the time we will have together in the future. Jillian, Lucille, and Eleanor, you are my world. I am thankful that I get to call Jill my wife, and Lucy and Ellie my girls. I will continue to make sure that you three are my priority in life and that the time we do have is spent wisely. I will do better at enjoying the moment and not focusing so much on time, in the negative manner. Let's spend our time together how we choose and let's make more memories! With that said, Disney World anyone? ;)
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