Where I am suppose to be

I created this blog a few years ago when Jill and I were going through a rough patch in our marriage. I used it as a way to voice my thoughts. To reach out to her. To be vulnerable. It was therapeutic. As time went on I started blogging less and less. Our marriage was strong. We had two babies. My job had changed. I was focusing on that more and I felt like I was honest in who I was and in my marriage. But I was a fool.

My last post was in 2014. That same year, on New Years Eve, before the clock rolled over and gave us 2015 I asked Jill if she loved me. She told me "no." This post is not about pointing fingers. I am not going to list the multiple reasons why she said it was over. I'm not going to post the multiple reasons why I think it ended. All that matters is she wanted out no matter what I said or wanted. What she felt was as real as what I felt.

I'm not going to lie and say that almost 2 years later that I'm over it. I am not. Far from it. I think about it every single day. I dream about it every single night. It's not that I want to or that I'm love sick about it. I just really never saw it coming. I liken it to an unexpected death in the family. I wasn't prepared for it and I'm unsure of how to completely pick up the pieces and continue on.

Every single day I try to move forward. This will be the last time I talk about her or my divorce. What she wants to say or think about me is all on her. The memories will live on inside. The dance was worth the end result.

I didn't intend this post to even talk about my divorce that much. I just wanted to explain where I've been for two years. I was so full of heartache, anger, rage, depression, love sickness, confusion, and more, that I purposefully stayed away from my blog. I didn't want to write anything I'd later regret. This is the first time I've even logged in since that happened. I didn't want to read anything I wrote about her or my kids. It would have been too much. All I ever wanted was taken away and I was not prepared, until today, to have to face any of it.

But today is a new day. 2015 is long gone and 2016 is on its way out. Here is to new beginnings and better days. I still have my adorable girls, great friends, and my loving family by my side. I am right where I am suppose to be.