Cutting loose ties

So I've stepped away from here so I wouldn't say anything to get me into any trouble with certain people. I've kept quiet and hoped that things would work out for the best. But here I am, many months after promising not to say anything that may hurt feelings, and I still haven't had any contact with these people I care about. My daughter is 17 months old and still doesn't know them. I'm done caring. I'm done hoping for reconciliation. I just hope that you are happy in your life, because I know I am happy in mine. I don't think about you daily anymore, and I have enough people who look out for my family and I. I didn't think it possible, but life has been easier without you. You've moved on, and finally, years later, I have too.

Eazy Fasheezy

I'm pissed

I'm so pissed off at you right now.

Each year on April 7th I'm in a different mood. The first few years were filled with sadness and depression. Since then some have had happiness as I thought of all the good times. Some years I feel at peace. Last year it actually only grabbed my attention with a quick thought that was soon erased by the cute sounds of a 3 month old. But this year I am mad.

I am pissed that the one person with as much stupid and random NBA knowledge as me isn't here to watch his OKC Thunder (AKA Seattle Sonics) win the West. I'm pissed that I don't have my Big Man to pass the ball to on the post. I'm pissed that my knowledge of crappy and sappy hip-hop artists has dropped off since 2003. I'm pissed that I play video games alone. I'm pissed that I alone am the worst rapper from the group EP. I'm pissed you missed the Giants winning TWO Super Bowls. I'm pissed I turned 30 without you turning 30 too. I'm pissed that you missed my wedding. I'm pissed you never met Lucy. I'm pissed that you didn't let me know how you really felt. Things DO get better. I'm pissed you didn't let tomorrow come to find that out yourself.

Grant, I'm pissed off so bad right now, but I'm only mad because I love you so much. You'll always be in my heart old friend.

Time away

So my last blog was a quick short one. I said that I'd have a year retrospective blog about Lucy. I spend a good long time on it, and thought it was pretty good. I then tried to add pictures to it, and something went wrong. It just froze. When I reloaded it, all my words, thoughts, and charming stories were gone. It took all of my willpower to not throw my Mac through the wall. Maybe I'll rewrite it, maybe not. In any event, I wasn't in any mood to play on blogger for a bit.

So here I write, but who knows for how long? Lucy is all over the place and sitting down to write has been increasingly more difficult. Plus, I'm trying to watch what I write. I'm still hoping for reconciliation with some, and I don't want this blog to be a reason why things stay sour. Plus work has been extremely stressful for me during the past six months. My job duties have evolved and my new manager has a role for me that my last manager didn't. I'm trying to adapt and not go crazy.

Perhaps my mood will change and I'll write about my upcoming trip to Las Vegas. Maybe I'll be on to talk about all the new things Lu is doing. But for now, I feel like just stepping back for a bit and enjoying the ride.

See you all sometime, just not sure when.

Matt

Lucy Joy

Lucy's first picture with her pops!

Can't believe it has been ONE year!

Retrospective blog to come soon ;)

Forever thankful

On this Thanksgiving I'd just like to say that I am I very thankful for my girls. I am amazed that I made out so lucky in this life to have you. I am truly humbled to have you, Jillian, as my wife. Little Lucy, I couldn't imagine before you arrived the love you'd end up making me feel. I am a blessed man.

I'll love you both forever!

An apology

Words hurt. The pain they can cause can last much longer than physical pain. Sometimes we say or type, depending on the delivery, things that do damage that was unintended. I use this blog as a forum the to clear my mind. Sometimes I write about video games. Sometimes it's about sports. I even wrote a few detailed blogs about the different hotels I've stayed in while playing in Vegas. However, many of my blogs have been very personal.

I started this blog back when my wife and I were going through a very difficult time. I used this blog to vent, to heal, to establish a connection, and to reach out to her. Similarly, I've used this blog to write about on going issues with other family members. In doing so it has helped me clear my mind and to work through my pain. But in doing so I have continued to hurt those I want to reestablish a connection with. They say there are two sides to every story and I've put out my side for all to see. I realize that it isn't fair to put that stuff out there, especially since the others don't have a voice in the situation.

I'd like to say that I'm going to stop writing about any family trouble, and that is my plan, but I don't want to make a promise and seem like a liar if I end up word vomiting on here. With that said, I really am going to try to stay away from throwing anyone under the bus. Even if I feel a certain way, or I'm hurt by the situation, throwing it out for all to read won't fix anything. I'm going to try to stick to the happy-sappy stuff and the silly frivolous stuff on this blog. I can always start a diary if I need to work out my family dealings.

To all of my family, the ones on good terms, and to the ones on fragile terms, just know I love you. All I want is for you to be happy and to have peace. I want nothing but good things for everyone. I want to be a good father to my sweet baby girl and I'm going to focus my energy into loving her. Life is too short to have any ill will towards anyone. I choose to fill my life with love. I never meant to make the situation worse, I just wanted to work through it the best way I knew how. I do apologize. I love all of you, and I'll always be here.