Feeling irritated because...

I have a new boss and my work world has changes completely.

My sole living parental unit has continued to choose to not be around.

The housing market in my neighborhood stinks so bad that it is driving the value of my place down, thus making it hard to sell.

I can't go anywhere far away from home, anytime in the foreseeable future.

I feel like certain people ignore me unless convenient for them to reply.

Music will never be as awesome as it was in the 60's-70's.

I am writing a pointless blog, bitching to nobody ;)

Park City weekend

Jill and I took a weekend trip to Park City. Of course we brought along little Lucy too. It was nice to get away from work for a few days. My company just restructured managers and my boss, mentor, and friend was shipped off to a new store. We've got a new manager and I'll not listen to the hearsay about her and I'll make my own decision about her once we work together. I just hope she doesn't try to change what we have going on in our store. Needless to say this has left me very stressed.

But back to Park City. It was nice to spend some time with Jill. Our work schedule keeps us apart too much. She really is the love of my life and I cherish our time together. I couldn't ask for a better best friend. Jill also has some health concerns that have come up, nothing too major, but it still worries me so it was great to just play and not worry about that.

Little Lucy, only six months old, is not so little anymore. She grabs everything in sight, including our cups and she drinks out of them with or without the straw. Of course the cups have water only. Jill would kill me if Lu got into my soda, but I sure do tease her about it. Lucy's personality is so cute. She hams it up and smiles when you break out the camera, growls if you growl, and of course types on keyboards if you do. She's helping my type right now...

We finished up our little getaway buy going to the zoo today. We met up with Jill's parents and had a great time. Lu is sure loved by her grandparents! The zoo was fun, if not just hot. Lu came away with a few toys and had as much fun as a six month old can. After the zoo we went to the Old Spaghetti Factory and had some lunch. We, like most parents, wanted to give Lu a lemon wedge to watch her pull faces and squirm. Didn't happen. This little girl loved her lemon and went to town on it. She was too funny.

Overall it was a good weekend and we had a great time. I really cherish my family and time spent together. I can't wait for our next getaway!

7/5/11

Virginia was fun. I spent the first couple days by myself in D.C., which was nice. I got to go to many of the Smithsonian museums and did other site seeing. I then drove to my brothers house and waited for him to come home. Sadly he didn't get home until almost 8pm on Wed night and I had to leave by Thurs afternoon. However, I did get to take part of his reenlistment, so it was all worth while to me. Plus driving up to Baltimore through the Eastern Shore was beautiful.

Lucy is growing like crazy. She is so smart. She is starting to grab things and is really interested in things with buttons. She is always grabbing my xbox controllers or tv remotes. Since she likes these things so much, I went and bought her a little kid laptop. It lights up, makes sounds, and sings songs. She loves it and pounds on the keys while smiling.

Got word that a member of my family has been or once had spread a nasty lie about me. I got angry for about a day, but then laughed it off do to the source. Life is much too short and good to sweat the petty things. Ugly things happen to people who constantly surround themselves in ugly.

My birthday is in a couple weeks. I'm excited because my father-in-law bought me tickets to the Triple-A All-Star game and home run derby. I love baseball and it will be awesome to see these future stars in action.

I'll be ok...

My brother Keven insisted I come play some golf with him. He had just bought some new clubs. So after I finished working and hanging with Lucy and Jill, I went down to Mulligan's to hit some balls. We played for a few hours and right as we were leaving he called me over to his car. He wanted to talk to me about my last blog. He was concerned. He also said a bunch of family or friends (he wouldn't give up names) were worried about me.

I'm sad. I have been for a long time. Sometimes people medicate with alcohol, sometimes people seek out therapy. I deal with my issues through writing, music, and blowing Nazi heads off in video games. As I had no desire to play Xbox, I put my hurt down in words and even associated it with a song.

I am fine, I really am. Nothing dramatic. No cries for help. I'm just sad, confused and hurt. I put it on "paper" to try to set my mind free for the night. Unfortunately it's a problem that doesn't have a solution, or at least one I want. I don't know how to get over it, but I do appreciate all the concern (even if you were anonymous). Keven is a good man and an even better brother.

Well, today I leave for Virginia. I am very excited to see Brian, even if it isn't for as long as planned. I'm excited to be away from work for as long as I am. But I am not looking forward to being away from Lucy and Jill. I even shed a few tears this morning while playing with Lucy. She's such a good baby. She is so happy and smiles all the time. I'm just kind of worried that after four days away (I know that isn't too long, but...) that she'll not recognize me and we'll have to learn how to re bond. I'm sure I am overreacting, but it is a legitimate concern.

Well, I have to finish packing my carry on items and get ready for my flight. Depending on internet connections and time, I may blog about my experience alone in DC. As for now know that I really am ok, except for the part about leaving my baby behind...

I don't like the way I am...

There is a song written by one of my favorite artists of all time, Martin Sexton. The song is called "The Way I Am". It's a beautiful song and one that has stuck with me for many years. I often find myself singing it randomly. The lyrics are a haunting reminder of how I feel about myself.

I really don't like the way I am. I have a constant desire to have everyone like me. I try to be the funny guy. I try to put on smile on everyones faces. But I need to remember that some people aren't going to like me. I can't blame them either, I'm not really all that neat. But unfortunately I do take it personal when people don't like me.

There is so much I wish I could change about me. I wish I didn't have the urge to try to fix everyones problems. I wish I didn't always dwell on the negative. I wish I would bite my tongue more often. I wish I were different. I wish I could change the way I am...

I wish I didn't care that my family has stopped talking to me. I don't think they understand how much it hurts me. They continue on with their lives like nothing has happened. They didn't skip a beat when they stopped talking to Brian. They didn't skip a beat when they stopped talking to Keven. Why would I be different? I thought I was.

I miss my father so bad. It hurts so bad I can't put it into words. I don't even know how it got to this point? But he refuses to answer my calls or texts. He's never even met his grandchild. That kills me more than the fact he ignores me and my brothers. My daughter has never done anything to not have her grandfather in her life.

This above all is why I hate the way I am. I hate that I care so much. I hate that I cry at night because I don't have a relationship with my dad. I hate that I have to put it in a blog so I don't explode. I hate that I can't just leave it alone. I hate that he won't be my dad. But most of all, I just don't like the way I am...

Change of plans

I'm suppose to leave Salt Lake for Virginia Beach, through Baltimore, on Sunday. I made plans to spend the week with my brother Brian and to take part of his re-enlistment in the Navy. Unfortunately for Brian and I, the Navy has made other plans. Due to some unforeseen maintenance on his ship, the dates my brother was scheduled to be out to sea has change to the week I'll be out there. Instead of us seeing each other Mon to Thurs, we'll be lucky if we see each other Wed night, until I leave for Baltimore on Thursday morning.

What is really crummy about the whole situation is the fact that I am going alone. Jill and Lucy are staying home while I spent time with Brian. Now I'll be 3,000 miles away from my family and he'll be out to sea. I feel like a bad husband and father leaving them behind, but the chance to take part of Brian's re-enlistment was worth it. Hopefully we'll be able to do his re-enlistment Wed night, but it still feels crappy leaving behind Jill and Lucy for an evening with Brian.

I'm in no way shape or form upset with Brian either. This is out of his hands. I'm not upset with the Navy either, I understand the circumstances. It's just going to be hard being away from my baby girl so long and not having my brother around either. I'll just have to make the best out of the situation. DC is just a short drive from Baltimore and so many cities like Pittsburgh, Manhattan, Philadelphia, and Atlantic City are all about 1 to 4 hours away. Maybe I'll drive around and see some baseball? Either way, this is not the vacation I had in mind...

Golf

I've never been a golfing kind of guy. I remember going to the driving range a few times with my Dad when I was younger, but I never got into it. I was obsessed with basketball and focused all my time on that game. If you don't count mini-golf, before this year I probably haven't hit a golf ball in 20 years. But this year I was forced to go play in a charity tournament for my work. I went with my boss and I ended up having a great time. Never mind that my first three balls went into a water hazard and by the 2nd hole I had somehow stepped into a swampy area and destroyed my shoes and socks... No matter the shoe damage I ended up enjoying golfing.

However, golf on TV is booorrriiinnnnggg..... If I want a good nap during the springtime or summer, I just flip on some golf. It puts me right to sleep. The things they do are very impressive, but so the ability to turn soy beans into tofurkey. It's impressive, but not interesting.

But since I had a great time at the tourney, I decided to go out to the driving range to practice a little. My buddy Geoff has some clubs so we went to play. Never mind his clubs are the Target junior special, we used them and did pretty great. It was so much fun. Just like on the golf course with my work, people could tell that I used to play baseball due to my ugly hack of a swing. Not pretty. No matter though, we went to have fun.

Since we've gone multiple times now this season I decided to buy my own clubs. I bought a cheap-o set of clubs (Ram Lasers) so I can stop worrying about destroying Geoff's. I'm not used to these clubs however and my already present slice is much, much worse. We played on the top deck of the driving range and I almost hit some people below us on more than one occasion. It was a fun night though as my buddy Brian Armstrong, my brother Keven, and his family (Tiff, Tayvia, and Eslee) joined me out on the range.

I'm definitely not good at this game, but that's not going to stop me from going out and playing this summer. I need a new hobby that doesn't require my Xbox. Plus I hope to get a little better so I can go out and play with my father-in-law and brother-in-law. They are both golfers and I need to up my game quite a bit before I embarrass myself in front of those guys. But if I continue to stink it up I may resort to said Xbox and a copy of Tiger Woods golf. It's gotta be easier to fix the slice on there, right?