Forever thankful

On this Thanksgiving I'd just like to say that I am I very thankful for my girls. I am amazed that I made out so lucky in this life to have you. I am truly humbled to have you, Jillian, as my wife. Little Lucy, I couldn't imagine before you arrived the love you'd end up making me feel. I am a blessed man.

I'll love you both forever!

An apology

Words hurt. The pain they can cause can last much longer than physical pain. Sometimes we say or type, depending on the delivery, things that do damage that was unintended. I use this blog as a forum the to clear my mind. Sometimes I write about video games. Sometimes it's about sports. I even wrote a few detailed blogs about the different hotels I've stayed in while playing in Vegas. However, many of my blogs have been very personal.

I started this blog back when my wife and I were going through a very difficult time. I used this blog to vent, to heal, to establish a connection, and to reach out to her. Similarly, I've used this blog to write about on going issues with other family members. In doing so it has helped me clear my mind and to work through my pain. But in doing so I have continued to hurt those I want to reestablish a connection with. They say there are two sides to every story and I've put out my side for all to see. I realize that it isn't fair to put that stuff out there, especially since the others don't have a voice in the situation.

I'd like to say that I'm going to stop writing about any family trouble, and that is my plan, but I don't want to make a promise and seem like a liar if I end up word vomiting on here. With that said, I really am going to try to stay away from throwing anyone under the bus. Even if I feel a certain way, or I'm hurt by the situation, throwing it out for all to read won't fix anything. I'm going to try to stick to the happy-sappy stuff and the silly frivolous stuff on this blog. I can always start a diary if I need to work out my family dealings.

To all of my family, the ones on good terms, and to the ones on fragile terms, just know I love you. All I want is for you to be happy and to have peace. I want nothing but good things for everyone. I want to be a good father to my sweet baby girl and I'm going to focus my energy into loving her. Life is too short to have any ill will towards anyone. I choose to fill my life with love. I never meant to make the situation worse, I just wanted to work through it the best way I knew how. I do apologize. I love all of you, and I'll always be here.

First Kiss

The other night my baby was a bit restless. When she gets fussy or wiggly we put her in front of a mirror. She loves talking to her reflection more than anything else. Huge smiles and glowing eyes happen every time she locks eyes with the girl in the mirror. When she is close enough to the mirror she tries to kiss the baby (bey-ba in Lu speak). Mommy was holding her and we were laughing at how cute she was being. I then leaned in and gave them a hug. When I leaned in, little Lu tilted her head and gave me a kiss on the corner of my mouth, just like she does to her reflection. She has never kissed back, let alone gave a kiss herself. I was so shocked and happy at the same time, all I could do was cry. This is one of the happiest moments of my life and I'll never forget it.

Random Sports thoughts...

Does anyone else feel really bad about Peyton Manning? The guy had the longest active streak of games started by an NFL quarterback, and now after two serious neck surgeries, he's sitting on the sidelines. The last time someone else started at QB in Indy was in 1997. That guy is now the Head Coach of the 49ers, Jim Harbaugh. Peyton seems like a stand up guy and is probably the best QB in football. Just doesn't seem right without him there.

Speaking of football, how 'bout the Giants? Always love watching the Eagles lose, especially to the G-Men.

The NBA canceled the preseason. Yikes. This doesn't look good. I'm afraid the season will be lost and this certainly won't help this league that has been struggling to keep people interested since MJ hung 'em up. I really hope they get this labor dispute figured out!

Floyd Mayweather did not "cheat" and gave Ortiz what he deserved. If you don't know what I am talking about, look it up!

Pro-wrestling (yes, it's scripted, but it's still sporting) has really been good since CM Punk ran his mouth. I haven't been into Raw this much in 10 years.

Lastly, I just have to throw Jimmer Fredette's name out there. My number one read blog was the one where I talked about Jimmer playing in the NBA. I may have also poked a bit of fun at the rap song made about him too... Anyhow, for some reason google search has been throwing that blog out there for people and it has been read 5 times to 1 on any other blog I've wrote. Just wanted to see if I threw his name out there again, if this one would be read that much too. Gotta love BYU COugar fans and their undying love for Jimmermania!

Daddy & Daughter Part 1

Well these photos were suppose to start with her right after birth and then progress, but blogger loads the photos backwards, so I guess start at the bottom and work your way up? Anyway, here a few pics of me and my little one.

Happy Post

I realize that I have been posting quite a few sad, angry, or depressing posts lately. I'm actually a fairly happy person, I just use this as a forum to get things off my chest. It's therapeutic. With that said, for every boo-hoo blog I write I need to write a couple happy posts to help counterbalance things. So on with the non-pissy stuff!

Baby Lucille is a riot! She now claps and actually says "yay" when doing so. It's so funny. She gives the best smiles every time I come home from work. What makes these smiles even better is seeing her two front teeth that have come in. Poor thing has been a bit cranky during teething, but overall I think she's handled it great. She's so strong and she lefts herself up all the time. She tries so hard to just get up and run. I really think this girl is going to skip the crawling stage and jump directly into sprinting!

We hit up the state fair last week. It rained all day, but it was still fun. We took Lucy and when she wasn't snoozing, she was having fun. One of the carnival vendors thought she was cute and gave her a Utah Jazz hat he was selling. We ate delicious food and just enjoyed our friends and the atmosphere. The next morning Jill, Lucy, and I went to the Tracy Aviary at Liberty Park. Lucy enjoyed seeing all the birds and we shared the perfect morning as a family!

Last night I sold my scooter. I really wanted it when I bought it, but I just never had the time to really use it. The guy that bought it off me will get much more use out of it then I did. With it being sold I have downsized my toy collection quite a bit. I guess it's just one more step towards being a functioning adult.

In two weeks I am going to be the best-man at Brian A. and Rachel's wedding! It's an honor to be selected to be apart of their day. I hope only the best for these two dear friends. I have another friend who is planning on getting married next year and he also asked if I'd be his best-man. I'm excited to take part in that wedding because this mystery friend has been apart of my life longer than anyone else that isn't actual family. For those of you who know who I am talking about, just know I don't know if he has formally announced it yet, so keep quiet! ;)

Uncontrollable Anxiety

I'm 31 years old. When in the hell did this happen? I still feel like I act and do the same dumb ass things as I did when I was 21. But somehow I am now closer to 40 than 20. Thinking about that has me really freaking out...

My mother died when she was 38. My Grandma Lucille was in her 50's. My father's mom died in her 30's when my dad was just a child. My buddy Grant died at 23, albeit by his own hand. All of these people left way too early and I can't help but think, every night as I try to fall asleep, that my time is right around the corner. Every single night as I try to sleep I can't help but think that I am one day closer to my death.

But what is a 31 year old man suppose to be anyways? I have a decent paying job, that I do not enjoy. That seems pretty common, right? I have been married for almost 7 years and I have a wonderful baby girl. That seems about right. But is it normal for a 31 year old man to play Xbox or to stay up late on the internet listening to music and writing blogs that only a handful of people notice? Is it normal to wear football jerseys, baseball caps, screen printed tee's, and khaki shorts? I just feel like maybe I look and act much younger than I am. Plus, most of my friends are almost 10 years my junior...

I'm not trying to hold onto my youth, but I just don't feel like I know how to let go. I'm not sure I need to let go either. I guess that's my problem, I just don't know what I am suppose to be.

I know I want to be the best husband to Jill. She's a great lady and she deserves the best. I know that I want to be the best daddy to Lucy. I just don't know how I am suppose to do that. Sometimes I want to quit my job and find work that would actually allow me to be off when Jill is. I'm sure it would pay less, but what is more important; more money for my family and spending more time away from them, or less money and more time spent together? I struggle with this all the time. I am the man and I am suppose to "bring home the bacon" so I feel like I just have to go to work and bring home the money. However, my heart tells me to leave my job, give up many of my luxuries, and spend more time at home with my loved ones.

But above all of these worries, the thing that bothers me the most is not having my dad around. My sweet daughter is almost 10 months old and he has yet to hold her. I wish I understood how to control this pain because I am afraid this above all, will lead me to that early grave I dream about nightly...